The difference between 38 and 16

Other than the obvious 22??

More weight, less tone...
More gray, not as much hair...
Some wrinkles, but less acne...
My teeth are now straight...
More insight, less attitude...
More willingness to learn from others...
More awareness that I don't know it all...
More certainty that I know very little...
More urgency to do...
Shorter days, weeks, months and years...
More wonder, less taken for granted
Greater obnoxiousness about my birthday...
More knowledge of who I am - and who I don't want to be...
More appreciation for the "little" things in life...
More understanding that the "little" things are really the BIG ones...
More need to do good, and less hope that we can do it all...
Would that be less hubris??

I'm still me, just an improved version. Not like wine - wine improves with the years, until it stops improving. I'd rather be like a controversial, ground-braking work of art: misunderstood in the early years, acknowledged down the road, and appreciated later on for being bold, unique, and beautiful in its own right (for whatever qualities that make it so).

And no, there's no apologies on that statement. After all, today is my birthday!

On the inauguration

It's hard to describe the enormity of this moment - harder probably to truly appreciate it without having suffered personally from the extreme prejudice and discrimination black people have lived with for years in this country. Still, what a moment this is. The first black president of the United States has been inaugurated, and the country is watching, more than ever before.

Expectations have been high on all fronts. This morning on NPR, there was a report on the expectations of children that now the country will turn into one in which there is no distinction based on the color of your skin, and their faith in the fact that this new president will fix their schools.

There was also a mention of Rick Warren and whether he would invoke the name of Jesus - which he did, and in a way that probably didn't offend many.

And there was a mention of the much anticipated inaugural address of our new president - would it be so memorable as to withstand the test of time, like Lincoln's second inaugural address? Will it just have sentences that will continue to be quoted in the years to come? And on my part, would it live up to the expectation set not just by this moment, but by the last two years of listening to a candidate who campaigned largely on the concept of hope, and who believes that "yes, we can!"

The expectations we all have of this president (whether democrat, republican, libertarian, or whatever, we all have them now) are probably the highest placed on any president in recent history. What will time tell us after the party is over? How long will the honeymoon last? I for one hope for a more moderate Obama than we saw on the campaign trail, and for a president who will reach across the aisle.

His life will never be the same, and his popularity probably will never be as high as it is today. The honeymoon will be short-lived, but I have high hopes for his ability to navigate troubled waters and lead people forward.

In her words (yeah, there's more)

Katarina is going through the horrible threes - there's the terrible twos, but the threes complete overshadow them, imho.

She is now also completely articulate, uncannily clever, and entirely too quick for our own good. And, alas, not a baby anymore!

Here's one of our recent conversations right as I was working unsuccessfully to tuck her in for the night.


Katarina - Mommy, I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have babies, and I don't want to have a boyfriend.

Me - (thinking, that's totally fine by me, especially since you're three) Why not, baby?

Katarina - Because they're yucky...

Larissa - No, they're not!

Me - (thinking, oh boy, not this soon...)

I believe in Santa...

This season has been unusual for me - somehow going on a cruise during Thanksgiving threw things off. The "official" kickoff of the holiday season was spent on a ship somewhere off the coast of Mexico, eating anything BUT turkey (that's a good thing...) Coming back was a rush of things to do, laundry to wash, school projects to complete, and work to be done.

Now it's Christmas Eve, and I'm trying to figure out how it all passed me by. The most wonderful time of the year, other than my birthday, hasn't quite measured up... and maybe it's been up to me to just let it in. Just soak it in - the lights, the welcomed chill of winter in this usually warm state, the rain that cleanses all and, beyond the gray, makes things brighter and more intense.

I found myself wrapping presents in the rush that is the days leading up to Christmas, and planning a menu, and wondering what Mass we'd attend, and what the girls would wear, and whether or not we'd be able to drive to the mountains on the 25th as planned with the forecast calling for snow showers. And somewhere through it all came the voice of my scroogey brother - "You lie to your children! The whole idea of Santa Claus is a lie!" He's a Grinch!

And through it all, I found Santa once again. Beyond the reason for the season and the celebration of the birth of Christ, despite having missed most of the Advent Masses, the spirit is back!

Yes, I believe in Santa Claus. I track him down through NORAD with my girls, so they too may believe, although in a different way, through children's eyes. I believe in Santa, not because he'll bring me presents, not because I'll tell the story to my girls, not because of the songs we'll sing through the season. I believe in Santa because of what he represents, at least to me. In this season of commercial insanity, Santa still represents the season of hope, the possibility of magic, and the ability of wishes to come true.

I believe in Santa because I believe in hope.

A couple of thoughts...

I have spent the last few days in the beautiful city of San Francisco at the annual CASE District VII conference. Too bad that most of the time was spent in the hotel, because I do love San Francisco. But let's get to the point of this blog.

These past couple of days I have gotten to know people I work with, to whom I am grateful for the things they've shared with me. One shared the struggle of starting a family after all treatments are done and adoption is the only option. The other the struggle of life and seeing her partner of many years lose her vision a little at a time, with no option for slowing the process.

I am grateful for the trust, but also grateful for the realizations that came from that. Realizations we all have somewhere in our hearts, but that became even more clear:

1. We all are meant to have a miracle in our lives, even though that
   miracle may not come in the form we always dreamed of or expected.
2. Sometimes, it's ok to be reckless and a bit irresponsible (within reason!), if that means giving those you love the memories of a lifetime to carry them through the darkness of the years to come.

That's it. Nothing too profound I suppose, but some thoughts that have occupied my mind today.