Showing posts with label random ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random ramblings. Show all posts

Sunday, January 29, 2023

Onward and upward

Oh, what a whirlwind this is! One moment I'm recovering, the next there's a tiny setback, so we persist through those. I won't let tiny inconveniences stop me, as exhausting as it is to always look up, look forward, keep pushing. 

I don't have much more to impart at this point. I'm just happy to be hope finishing my recovery, clean of viruses and funguses and anything else that could derail me. And I'm grateful for each of you who follow the journey and join with your prayers. It takes a village to raise a child... and a village to help a grown woman heal and thrive once again. 

I know it'll be a while before I can dance, so for now I stick with walks and exercises to strengthen and get me there eventually. 

It's hard to live under the illusion that you're mostly in control to realizing there's nothing you actually control except your attitude and how you respond to things.

So we keep fighting, one foot in front of the other, one bite after the next, working toward independence.

Onward and upward!

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Where have I been these past months?

I have been "asleep" for the past few months, or more accurately, in a mental fog so thick, you can't see your nose. I am waking up in the hospital once again, learning I've been here before, and finding out there's all sorts of issues I have to face, mainly an HHV6 infection (human herpes virus 6). I have a pole with meds and fluids and who knows what else next to my bed. And I don't remember anything from round one. 

Honestly, I don't think I want to remember any of it. By all accounts, it was the fight of my life. Well, I find myself still fighting. I am a ghost of who I used to be, down to skin and bones. Hospital food isn't too bad, unless you're dealing with food aversion (why not add one more thing to the list?) I am told I wasn't so far off last time and managed to recover, so that's the goal now - get home to recover. 

I am coming out of the fog now, though I find myself in a mental loop where things repeat themselves over and over again, and I don't know which instance is reality. Yes, that's quite a bit of fun. According to me, I've spoken to my husband seven times this morning... except it's only been once. 

As I sort through all this and work on grounding myself, I also look at the time I've been here. Ten weeks so far and counting. Ten weeks I mostly don't remember. It really is difficult to keep a good attitude and hope alive when you're in the hospital this long. And yet, there's only one way forward - one step at a time, one foot in front of the other (ok, truth be told, I'm walking with my feet spread out these day to try to stay balanced. My grandma would be aghast! Ladies walk in one track).

My husband, my dad, and my girls have been troopers through all this. I rarely am without a family member in here to keep me company for a little while, in spite of the 1.5 hour drive, traffic, and all those wonderful surprises you can find in freeways in Southern California. 

I've been so touched by the many messages and support. They really do lift me up and help me keep fighting. If I don't reply to everything, please understand it isn't a lack of willingness, but a lack of bandwidth. 

As things progress, I hope to continue with updates through here. And I hope they progress enough that I can go home in the next ten days or so. The finish line is visible, please don't let it shift on me yet again.



Saturday, July 23, 2022

Emotional Marathon

I am exhausted. I feel like I've been running on this emotional merry-go-round for half of the year, from diagnosis on February 8 through today. I live in limbo, waiting to move forward and get back to my life, and trying at all times to make the best of a shitty situation. 

There, I've said it. It's a shitty situation. 

My transplant schedule has been pushed several times now. First, it was to be on July 5th, but the donor fell through. Then July 15th pending donor confirmation. Then 22nd with donor confirmation. Then 26th because I'm so much stronger than I was (yay!) that I can handle radiation (that's a mixed boo and yay, because ultimately it's a good thing). Then it was August 2nd because, surprise!, I tested positive for COVID. I've been chasing a negative test and got one on Thursday, but City of Hope's swab goes as far as your brain (or so it feels) and detected lingering virus, so yes, you guessed it. Pushed again to August 9th pending a negative test.

So today I rant and complain and cry and feel angry and frustrated... and that's a lot of 'ands' without any commas in between. My English teacher would fail me. 

The days blend into each other, and I feel like I accomplish nothing. It's a study in patience, a virtue I don't have and one for which I try not to pray - the Lord has ways to send you reasons to become patient instead of just injecting some of the stuff into you. 

It's a study in trust, as I try really, really hard to let go of the things I can't control and trust that God has a reason for allowing this to happen, and his reasons always will be better than mine. I'm on a schedule, and He reminds me I can't control life. I hold tightly onto the wheel instead of letting Him drive, knowing fully well that I don't have the roadmap and without it I wouldn't know where to go. 

He's cleared the way for me, surrounded me with people who are integral in this journey, placed me with an amazing medical team, and I think He's asking me to let go, to rest, to go to Him, as I'm weary and burdened and need rest. He's asking me to take His yoke. Some days, like today, it's harder. 

It is hard to reach deep into oneself to find the strength to prepare for the next step. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I am traumatized from my first visit, which as we all remember was less than ideal and brought with it serious complications. That said, I cannot sit here forever in eternal pause. So, I dig deep in preparation, and while I know I'm not ready, I mentally get myself there. And it gets yanked right from under my feet. And here I find myself, asking why I have to wait. 

Until I got COVID, I had not asked "why me?" Self-pity is not conducive to anything good. Today I didn't ask that, but I asked why. I felt deflated, defeated, and at times like a total ass because at the very least I woke up today and I have a fighting chance. 

Summer was the better schedule, before school starts, while Larissa is home. I wanted to be discharged before she goes back to college. Instead I get another week with her here before she leaves. That's the silver lining. 

And maybe I can learn to finally let go of the wheel and take a rest, trust the process, and hold on to His hand while he leads me up this very steep mountain, where the terrain is uneven and difficult, where the fog is so thick I can't see beyond my nose. He sees. That should be enough. 

My word this year has been hope. It's chased me from the moment I was diagnosed. It's fueled me and given me wings. It's seen me through the worst of it. 

Now I have to let go of the anger, frustration, disappointment, and focus on hope. And on all the things I have for which I am grateful. Even in days like this. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Limbo, expectations, hormones and other random thoughts


Disclosure: In case the title didn't give it away, this is a long, rambling assembly of thoughts and feelings. You've been warned. 

Limbo - it feels like floating sometimes. Days run into each other, morning turns into night without much to report. In this limbo there is too much time to wonder, project, feel and hope for. There is the constant need to remind myself that this journey is long, twisted, and requires me to take it one step at a time. There is too much time to hear about other stories, other journeys, some with the outcome I hope for, some not so much. And thus, there is much time to worry if I let myself feel that. For the most part, I refuse to. 

On the other hand, in this limbo I also project - I plan for the future, for when this is behind me, for the things I want to do, like a trip to France with good friends, going back to Hawai'i and visit turtles, taking a cruise for our 25th anniversary, celebrate three years of birthdays that didn't get properly celebrated (it will be epic!), and so forth. 

I also have to think of the possibility, because there is always one, that I may find the end of my journey sooner than expected. And those moments are driven by motherhood. My two girls. If I were to not be here, what do I need to tell them that can't be left unsaid? I remember the hospital days when I was so weak and out of it fighting c diff, and thinking I should've written letters for them, letters I wouldn't get to write in my weakened condition, things I wouldn't get to say if things didn't turn around - and that was a very close reality I'd rather not go through again. 

So I find myself starting these letters, which take me to projecting where I don't want to, getting into a funk, and pulling myself out of it. I have my girls here this summer and plan to enjoy that, and maybe here and there give them some pearls of wisdom, and here and there find the time and emotional fortitude to get through letters I hope won't be needed, letters that can stay unopened for years to come. 

In this limbo, I'm also learning to adjust expectations. I think the fact that I am tolerating chemo and treatment so well has led me to believe that everything will be achieved in the same vein (ok, I'm also an overachiever) - so I should achieve full remission after this last treatment, which wasn't the case. I should then have a couple of weeks to recover, a "mini vacation", which won't come. So, after a brief moment of disappointment and tears, I refocused on the important and positive news. I am responding to treatment. I am in good shape to move forward. Going into the next round of treatment will get me there and give me the best starting point for a successful transplant. 

I told my doctor he needed pom-poms as head cheerleader. He was so good, so clear that I'm doing really well, so positive that I'm on the right track. I am so blessed to have a good team, to be responding well, to be at home with my family and eating my own meals. I have no right to complain, and I have every reason to continue to be grateful for the blessings, for each new day, for the ongoing prayers and support that come from so many, for the frequent signs I find along the way through which God reminds me He is by my side every step of the way. 

I feel well, I'm getting stronger, I'm gaining weight (in a good way), and I'm also getting hot flashes. How's that for a segue? Yes, hot flashes! Every woman's dream... the bad kind. Hormones are so underrated. When you stop producing them, you figure that out. Hot flashes that sent me into the fridge the other day, only to find out that doesn't really work. And moods... my husband's road to holiness comes from putting up with a bitchy, unreasonable wife more often than either one of us bargained for. Though my job is to help him get to heaven, this is probably not how we envisioned that journey. 

And let's not forget the unspoken truth of growing facial hair that wasn't there before. This is adding insult to injury. Dermaplaning might be promoted for "peach fuzz", but let me tell you it's excellent for not-so-subtle facial hair. Calling it a beard would be hyperbole, though sometimes it feels like it. Gratefully, my eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be. Sadly, my children have eyes like hawks and find it incredibly funny.

The journey started with a dramatic "BAM!" and has eased into what I only hope isn't the eye of the storm. I know times to come will be harder, as I continue to climb this very steep mountain. My eyes remain on my feet, one step at a time - I might be a coward after all, with a bit of hiding my head in the sand. At the same time, though it sounds like a contradiction, I keep the chin up, because as I've come to say, you can't fight if you're not looking at the enemy straight in the eye. 

I keep fighting, I keep praying, and I keep keeping on. Thank you for the prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, support and love. I will never find the words to adequately express what it all means to me and how it propels me forward.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

We will never forget... but haven't we?


It's that time of year again... a mixed bag for our house, since we celebrate birthdays (my daughter's, my dad's, my cousin's) and yet remember that fateful morning on 9/11/2001. The day we all promise to never forget. The day that took the lives of so many. So every year, I wake up to the reality that, while I post happy birthday messages for my daughter, so many others remember the lives of those they lost.

And we say it again in posts, with pictures, in our words - Never Forget.

But I think we have.

No, we haven't forgotten the horror. We haven't forgotten the tragedy. We haven't forgotten what we were doing, where we were, how we found out. We haven't forgotten the victims nor the heroes. We haven't forgotten that we made a promise to not forget.

We have, however, forgotten what else came out of this tragic day. We have forgotten how we came together in support of one another. We have forgotten how we all seemed to be kinder, more patient, more understanding - even on the California freeways, which is to say something. We have forgotten that on that day and after, what brought us all through was love and celebrating what is good in life.

We have forgotten that during that time, at some point, this touched us so deeply, we all wanted to be better people and create a better world.

As St. Mother Teresa said at one point, we have forgotten that we belong to one another.

We have forgotten that the only way to dispel the darkness is to be the light, and that the only way to combat hate is to love.

We talk about it, though, only to turn around with another post filled with expletives and hateful words and statements - either directed to a type of people, or to our neighbor for disagreeing with our views, or to the people on the other side of the political party isle. We fill our walls with sentiments about justice and kindness and love of neighbor, and then we follow that with statements that project anger and hatred and insult.

So, we have forgotten some of what that day initially instilled in us. And in doing so, I think we have forgotten how to best honor those lives lost - not through division and hate, which is what took down those towers and took away those people. We best honor those lives in the same way the heroes who ran into those buildings honored them - compassion, caring, kindness, determination in the face of fear, hope in the face of despair, light in the face of darkness.

To repeat another often-shared sentiment, in a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Be the light.

Friday, December 7, 2018

Grateful


"There is always something to be grateful for." Sometimes, this serves as a good reminder. Others, it's hard to swallow. When you're struggling, when you are burdened, when you feel like you're sinking under the weight of life, when you're in constant pain and it's raining and cold and... during all those times, you may feel this is trite.

Trite, however, doesn't make it less true. There is always something to be grateful for. How you face that truth can have a profound effect. Is it a reminder to help you pick up your chin when you feel defeated? Or is it a daily acknowledgment as you take on whatever comes at you, look at the cross that you carry and corageously pick it up?

The reality of life is that, on any given day, we all will experience some form of suffering. Broken relationships, difficult family dynamics, financial stress and difficulty, loss of job, loneliness, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, declining health, serious illness, loss of loved ones... the list never ends, and as we grow older, it seems to get longer.

And if you pay attention, you realize that the list of all the joys we experience in this life gets just as long. We don't have one without the other.

The old expression comes to mind - are you a "glass half full or half empty" kind of person? The reality is that we do have a choice when it comes to where we keep our focus. The fact that we will experience suffering doesn't make life less worth living. The hard times can turn us cynical, bitter, and rob us of the fullness of joy we can experience when we constantly wait for the other shoe to drop.

This is what I have found: It is very difficult to be bitter, hold a grudge, walk this journey angry and defeated when I am grateful. And I can be grateful for many things - big ones and little ones, and all the ones in between.

I am grateful for another day when I can open my eyes, hug my children, kiss my husband, pet my dogs. I am grateful for another opportunity to do better - be better, be less judgmental and more compassionate, work on being more patient, try harder to understand others, find ways to lift up those around me, stay away from the negative. I am grateful for the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table. I am grateful for my friends and family, even the ones I sometimes want to strangle. I am grateful for the incredibly bright, full rainbow that greeted me and a good portion of South Orange County in the midst of a rainy, grey morning two days ago; and I am grateful for the snow-capped mountains that said good morning as I drove to work today - a reminder that beauty can shine through and sometimes only because of less than desirable conditions.

And I am grateful for the struggles that have taught me about my own strength, shown me the path to humility, helped me grow in patience (that's a very long road, by the way). I am grateful for the low points in my life, because those are the times that have brought me the most personal growth.

I have found that being grateful is not just a choice, but a point of self awareness. And I have found that with gratefulness comes a whole lot of joy, and not the transitory type, but an internal joy that is coupled with peace. Perhaps that's because above all, I am grateful for my faith and a God that loves recklessly and is a constant presence in my life.

During this time of year when days get shorter, I hope you find that same joy and peace and keep it beyond the season. Where do you keep your focus? What are you grateful for?

Sunday, October 14, 2018

The Question of the Day

One of my coworkers has started this thing at the office. Three of us share a common space in a different building than the rest of our unit, so we have found ways to gel and make our days interesting. Her way is the "question of the day".

The question can be as fun as whether the toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom - which not surprisingly elicited rather strong opinions and provided long stretches of entertainment. It also can be searching and hard to answer, so we receive the question each day with a bit of anticipation and a bit of weariness. Have we had enough coffee to answer whatever comes our way?

Tuesday's question was "what is the universe telling you to do?"

Well, the universe isn't necessarily telling me to do anything. For me, that guiding hand is the hand of God and what He wills for my life. More and more I have come to understand that this is a partnership, and that discerning the will of God for me leads me, as the Psalm says, to green pastures.

And lately, He's been telling me to forgive and reminding me to stay away from the cycle of negativity that so easily can engulf us when we find ourselves in environments that squeeze, in situations we can't control, in stretches of life we see as unfair.

I don't know which one is hardest - forgiveness, or staying away from the cycle of negativity. In a way, these two can be tied together, making it harder to sort through each.

Forgiveness is easier said than done. Especially when we feel justified - we know what was done to us was wrong, we deserve an apology, some sort of acknowledgement, and the person on the other side should face the consequences of their actions. Life is never that cut and dry, however. Is it?

So we hold on to our hurt and our grudge, "put it aside", "move on", "get over it." And eventually time takes care of it. Or does it?

I have found myself still angry at people after years have gone by, unable to even think of them without getting that feeling of hurt and betrayal. So, how did time's healing hand work for me? How did I move on? How did I get over it? I didn't.

And then forgiveness as a path started to enter the equation more and more prominently. God often whispers and speaks to us in the silence. And sometimes, He smacks us over the head. I got both. I got the whisper, and once I was ready to listen, I got the smack. And I got some pretty amazing insight sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament in adoration one night.

I saw myself unable, though by now willing, to forgive. Unsure if I could, I prayed for the desire to forgive and eventually for the ability to do so. The reading during compline was from one of the letters of St. Paul and dealt with anger and forgiveness (see? I got smacked!) A letter St. Paul wrote while in captivity. A letter he wrote talking of love of neighbor, as he loved and forgave those who would martyr him.

It's sometimes difficult to think of forgiveness and love of neighbor as Christ loved, because, well, being Christ, He was not just human but also divine. St. Paul wasn't. He was a sinner. He had persecuted Christians and taken them to their deaths. He also had a powerful conversion, and from that point on turned his life around. St. Paul was like you and me: 100% human, flawed, broken.

And yet, St. Paul could forgive and love in the face of the most astonishing and cruel circumstances. It wasn't his job to judge those who inflicted pain on him. It wasn't up to him to dole out consequences or dictate what would become of his enemies.

He knew, unmistakably, that he was here to love and to serve, without judgement. And love implies forgiveness. And serving implies humility - and when it comes to forgiveness, that humility includes accepting that it is not for us to decide what the consequence or just punishment is for others when they wrong us.

And in that moment of insight, I felt the weight of those years of holding hurt and grudges lift off my shoulders. I felt peace. And I felt surrounded by the love of God, who guided me to this place of light.

So, what's the universe telling YOU to do?

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Friendship: then, now and forever?


As with everything else, friendship has its own cycles. There's a saying that states: "some friends come into your life for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime." We've all lived this, we've all fallen into each of these categories, and it makes sense. 

I've been reflecting on this recently, somewhat out of necessity. I've also been thinking of Fr. James Martin's thoughts on friendship - basically, that to truly love our friends means to love them with all their faults and virtues, without expecting a behavior that is not natural to them in order to feel like our friendship is mutual. 

And that is the point - there should never be an expectation for reciprocity in true friendship

I, for example, am horrible about sending cards and acknowledging special occasions. Facebook reminds me of your birthday, if we are connected that way, and thank goodness for that. I have a friend for whom cards mean the world. If I forget to send her one, it is not because I love her any less. She is, in fact, very dear to me, and I'd bend over backwards to be there for her in times of need. 

It is one of the most difficult things to love our friends this way, because we all end up doing things that unintentionally may signal a lack of caring to the people in our lives. And when those signals are aimed at us, it's even harder to accept that we all have separate lives, varying priorities, and times of momentary lapses.

And let's face it, there should never be a sense of obligation either.

Yes, true friendship compels us to reach out, to stay in touch, to be there for good and bad, to want to spend time together. It also is true that we are more likely to do those things with the people geographically or circumstantially closer to us, forgetting that Facebook "connection" might keep us informed but not necessarily together. 

So, to my friends, know that I appreciate you, that I love you even when my actions or yours are not nearly close to perfect or congruent with that statement, and that I welcome any opportunity to connect and go deeper than likes and photo sharing. 

To my friends, I pledge to do my best to love you unconditionally, without expectation for reciprocity, and never wanting even the shadow of obligation to tarnish our relationship. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Whatever happened to...?

I don't know where to start. It's been two years... YIKES!! Two years without posting a single blog, recording some funny happenings in the Farhadi household, saving memories of my girls for when I don't remember anymore. And then today, there it was. The old bug that said to take a look, and I found myself looking at old posts and laughing at the things my kids did years ago which I didn't remember anymore. So I got back to this, trying to figure out whatever happened to my blog. 

I think it was Twitter. Much as I admit to love Twitter, it did have an unintended side effect. It gave me the opportunity to immediately react, comment and move on, and the need for further exploration or expression was gone. Twitter killed my blog. Or perhaps I did? 

And then I got thinking about this, and of course went on to something else - to the realization that this immediate gratification we have grown accustomed to (gross generalization) is ruining more than the blogging. This constant connectedness and busyness is turning us into reactionary people - we get emails no matter where we go and immediately respond. We find the news on the move and are always informed (at least of the headlines, which isn't really informed). Everything is urgent, everything is immediate, nothing can wait any longer. 

We are too busy to take our time, trying constantly to jam something else, since now we can. And in the process we are growing used to expressing our opinions without weighting the unintended consequences. We spout thoughts we haven't refined, we argue our points in opposition, and we forget along the way to look deeper, to play in the grey, and to look at the many angles.

I am the queen of that parade - the strong opinion parade. There. I own that one. Those of you who know me are nodding vigorously and agreeing with me. Admit it. You just nodded again.

I am the queen of the strong opinion parade, but all this is making me want to slow down enough to realize that nothing is truly black and white (which, let's admit that too, really rattles my world). We have the right to free speech and to express our opinions, but do we truly have the right to judge others as harshly as we do these days? 

Exhibit A: same sex marriage. No matter where you stand on the issue, chances are you have a strong opinion about it, have expressed it, have gotten into more than one heated argument along the way. 

Exhibit B: Abortion. Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, the same applies. 

Exhibit C: Zimmerman case. 'nuff said.

And the ultimate fact is we don't have all the facts. The truth is many of us are not the people who have to live with these issues, these realities, and the laws that affect their lives more directly than anybody else's.

So, whatever happened with slowing down, taking it all in, considering the facts, and just plain having compassion for each other? I know... coming from this queen of the parade, that's saying something...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Life's contradictions and the ever elusive concept of happiness

Life is full of contradictions - some comical, some ironic, some just cruel. Walking on this path that none of us understands is a challenge from one moment to the next. There's highs, there's lows, and there's the balance of it all. These days, we try to find balance like an acrobat walking on a tight rope.

We spent the last few days in Cabo San Lucas, basking in the warm Mexican sun, wading in the pool with piña coladas in hand. Forcibly unplugged, we shrugged our shoulders and found a way to let go and for stretches of time actually managed to do nothing, while waiting for my brother's big day - his wedding day to one of the most beautiful brides anybody's ever seen. There was laughter and stress, comedy in the family dynamics that put "fun" in dysfunctional, and a combination of peace and stress that beat most average days.

These were happy days in many ways, with an amazingly joyous occasion to cap it all off. I have seen my brother grow from being a pain in my ass to this sensitive, emotive, creative man who has the ability to amaze me with his talent. And I have seen the light come into his life when he found my now sister-in-law - it's been a great addition and the best thing to happen to him hands down. There were tears at this wedding - hers, his, and everyone else's.

And through it all I was reminded of life's contradictions, as I watched this other man continue to decline rapidly in the claws of the horror that is Lou Gehrig's disease - this man that I love as if we were related by blood, this man who brought such happiness to my mother for the last 17 years, this man who was always patient, considerate, caring and giving. This man who walked me down the aisle when my father couldn't.

I have watched him go from limping last September to being bed-ridden and almost completely unable to communicate today. I have seen him be eaten by this disease, trapped in a body he no longer can control, losing his ability to communicate and all dignity along with it. I have seen him look at us in frustration and unbearable sadness, because he knows he is dying, and there is not a damn thing anybody can do about it or for him. I have prayed for a miracle. Today, I pray for a quick ending. And it breaks my heart to know that these few days I have with him are probably the last I'll ever have, and I'm not ready to say good-bye, to let go, to resign myself to the ending that I know will come.

Happiness is never complete - it gives and it takes equally and sometimes swiftly. There are only perfect moments. It's in those moments that we can experience that feeling of exhilaration that makes it all worth it - the risks, the rewards, the struggle, and yes, even the heartbreak.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

About womanhood...

I'm on a tear... I know, big surprise... why, you ask? I have been wondering about women and friendships and this thing that we share, this womanhood, this "sisterhood". You know, the thing that makes us sit around the circle and talk about everything, share every thought, every feeling, be there to support each other, and so on. And I will start by saying that, by and large, that is exactly what we do. We stand by each other, we fight for each other, and we become down right dangerous when one of us is threatened.

On the other hand, and here's the reason for my latest rambling, we hide things from each other. It's as if there were this unwritten code of "un-ethics" that requires us to hide the "darker" sides of womanhood, the things that would show the world we are (1) not perfect, (2) not as strong as everyone else thinks we are, or as strong as we think we should be, (3) not invincible, (4) not completely put together. In short, we hide anything that might tell other women that we are not Wonder Woman - and note here that we hide it all from each other.

We can be vulnerable, we can even be needy, but on those things that both define and test our womanhood, we can be nothing short of perfect. Except we mostly are not perfect, not by a long shot.

Take, for example, motherhood. Those of us who elect to have children and can conceive them without issues somehow are supposedly better than those who can't. Take childbirth, where those who can go through it without drugs (the craziest fad if you ask me), are somehow better mothers than those of us who much rather join the line that says "epidural here!" Take those first few weeks, where God forbid we admit to anyone that our little bundle of joy is the root of anxiety, doubt and even remorse!

Now, let me address those points in opposite order.

I remember being pregnant with my first child. What a joy! What a dream come true! What a nightmare! I remember spending those first weeks so overwhelmed, a shower was my greatest accomplishment. I was on a hormonal roller coaster in which one minute I cried because I thought my life had been fine without a baby, the next moment I cried because I loved that baby so damn much, and the one after that I cried because I surely was a horrible mother - who could possibly feel that way about her new born?

Turned out about 95% of women feel that way. It also turns out the great majority of those women never fess up to it, thus leaving the likes of me in complete ignorance and darkness and feeding us the dream of a wonderful time to come, a natural high to enjoy, and the perfection of life itself once your baby arrived. Granted, I am high strung (yeah, no kidding...), so this adjustment hit me rather hard. Add to it a couple complications, and it truly was hell on wheels. I now have made it my mission in life to scare the living daylights out of expectant mothers. Beware out there! This crazy woman will tell it to you as it is! And if your experience is completely opposite to mine, more power to you.

Point number two. Labor. That one little word alone elicits more anxiety than anything else a woman faces during pregnancy and after. We all talk about the pain - whether we've gone through it or not. We all want to know. We do get told it hurts like nothing else. We also hear how we're supposed to forget about it... maybe when I'm senile. We enroll and attend Lamaze classes, mostly led by militant women who profess having a baby without drugs is some kind of badge of honor. We get brain washed into thinking maybe we can deal with it, maybe we should really consider skipping the needle and opting for focal points, breathing and a tennis ball. We start doubting ourselves and start wondering if electing the needle means we'll be less - will it hurt the baby, will it hamper our recovery, is it really necessary... blah, blah, blah.

Some heroic women (crazy women in my book) do elect to have their babies that way. Good for them. Just don't judge the non-heroic women, like this one. This non-heroic woman didn't elect the natural way the first time and got her drugs. This non-heroic woman also didn't elect the natural way the second time but the gods had other plans and she didn't get her drugs. It's not a badge of honor, people. It's the indelible memory of horrendous pain, because unlike the other super women out there, this non-heroic woman doesn't do pain and has yet to forget. Sure. I made it through and lived to tell the tale. The baby will win this one no matter what you do. I considered standing on my head and crossing my legs until the anesthesiologist made it to my room, but hell, baby crowned, and I had to push. This non-heroic woman was exhausted, sore, and to this day doesn't see the point in doing it any other way than what nature should have intended: give me my epidural, baby!!

Point number three. A friend of ours is having her first baby. Being a woman who knows her mind and doesn't really care what anybody else thinks, she also is a woman who speaks her mind. Gotta love that quality in a woman. She had a hard time getting pregnant. She ended up seeing an acupuncturist, who incidentally works wonders and works fast. While seeing this doctor, she saw the pictures of three other people she knew. People who had issues too. People who prefer not to talk about these issues. People who could have helped her find an answer, if they hadn't thought that, somehow, they were less perfect, less heroic, less prepared to be mothers because they needed help.

Am I starting to make my point?

I am on a tear because of point number three. And, being the type who also doesn't care what anyone else thinks and the type who speaks her mind, this non-heroic woman is now starting to go through the dreaded "change" and sharing that little dark secret with everyone who may want to listen. Because guess what. Forty isn't too young for it. Forty is probably too young to notice, especially if you're on the pill - hello! Hormones in there! And when did the dreaded "change" signify the end of womanhood? Is it the emphasis we all place on menarche as the point at which young girls become "women"? Really? You're a woman at 11 or 12?? Scary. But that's another story. So, if we become women with our first period, does that mean we stop being women with our last one? Seriously??

Get a grip! Deal with it - whatever "it" is - and stop being ashamed of dealing with it in public. Let's stop placing these little episodes in our lives in dark little compartments that shall never come to light, lest we become less women. It won't take away from the suffrage movement, women's rights, equality in the workplace.

We can be women and not be perfect. We can be mothers and not always be sweet, happy, fulfilled. We can have it all, and yes, we are allowed to admit that we have to compromise, that we sacrifice parts of our lives. We can be full time professionals and balance family and career. And yes, we can admit it's not perfect, we don't have it all figured out, and some days we put chicken fingers on a plate because we are dead on our feet. We can be stay-at-home moms and not have a career and admit that it's hard, that some days we'd kill for adult conversation, a long, hot bath, and time to spend with just ourselves.

We don't have to be perfect. We never will be. And we never will be less women than what we are, because being a woman is not about being perfect, but about handling all of our imperfections with grit, and courage, and sometimes balls.

So have the balls to tell each other about those little dark compartments - and be prepared to enjoy the sisterhood that comes from shared experiences and complete understanding.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Welcome to 40!

When life begins! Or so they say... and I am excited about this - really, I AM! Why else would I tell the world my age, when I can easily shave a few years off and pretend I'm still in my thirties? Nonetheless, this whole turning forty thing has gotten me thinking... they say it's just the beginning of your life - I'm thinking in some respects it's just the beginning...

For us women it should read, "Welcome to 40! You now are entitled to regular mammograms." The fine print would read, "In exchange for this new thrill, we are taking away your 20/20 eyesight. You no longer will be able to read the fine print without chic, stylish (optional) glasses (mandatory). Unintended advantages of presbyopia may include no longer being able to see the mammography technician up close, like when she's ready to squeeze your tatas into those dreaded plates, effectively turning said tatas into temporary pancakes."

And I suppose that's what got it all started... unlike the pain of childbirth, which I will clearly remember for the rest of my natural life, I had forgotten how bad mammograms are. Really, who came up with this concept? It turns out this torture mechanism was invented in 1966, and yes, you guessed it, by a man... Albert Saloman. Now I ask myself, had Dr. Saloman been after screening testicles, would he have come up with the same device? I think not.

Of all the things to worry about as you get older, getting part of yourself grabbed, squeezed and compressed should be at the top of the list. Forget wrinkles and Botox. Quit worrying about the loss of your youth. Stop obsessing about impending menopause... and beware of the mammogram. And on top of it all, remember to keep your tatas healthy!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Perú... land of contrasts...

Perú is a land of stark contrasts. There is wealth and poverty, culture and ignorance, safety and danger like in most countries. And perhaps these are easier to see here because there are less degrees of each, making the contrasts more marked, more apparent, and harder to ignore.


I can walk around beautiful South Orange County and see the contrasts if I bother to look for them – there is homelessness, there are children who go without, all hidden behind the shiny veneer of incomprehensible amounts of wealth, sandy beaches, whitened teeth and surgically-altered women.

In Lima the contrast smacks me straight in the face, challenges me to look the other way, and smirks when I can’t ignore it. I can’t pretend it’s not there as I land at Jorge Chávez International Airport and see the result of nineteen years of proliferation of communities built on dirt by people who migrate to the capital because they can’t find a way to subsist in their hometown (incidentally, in Lima they make a killing by bucking the system).

My daughter’s first comment on the land where I come from is, “mommy, Perú is brown!” I smile a sad smile thinking how right she is and how much she doesn’t know. I flash back to the days when my university classmates and I had to conduct surveys in communities just like the ones we see from our window seat, where homes had no floors, roofs and many walls were built with straw, and children died of respiratory infection lacking proper medical treatment. I don’t know what the reality of those communities is now, but I can’t imagine it’s much different.

We land, and the airport has undergone a transformation – nineteen years don’t go in vain, and nobody is waiting for me to come back in order to make improvements. As we drive away, I see more of what I remember that hasn’t really changed much. For better or for worse, communities around major airports don’t seem to fair very well in many places around the world.

One thing quickly becomes evident. Lima has expanded into once unoccupied land, and in land that was occupied it’s grown vertically. Houses have been replaced by apartment buildings in most residential communities (my own childhood home included). Streets have stayed the same. Do the math and what do you get? Congestion beyond what anyone can describe coupled with the most chaotic driving conditions I can think of.

Where three lanes merge into one, I find five lanes of cars trying to beat each other for that leading spot. Lanes and signs are completely disregarded, red light and traffic cops being the one and only exception. There are driving rules, hundreds of them, but one rule prevails: break all other rules. The law of the jungle is king here, where Darwinism can be applied to any street in the city at any time of day – only the fittest survive.

I have forgotten all the roads, only remembering snatches of avenues that we used to drive through when I lived here. Many of them come back quickly, despite the fact that none of them look like anything I remember. And here I find more contrasts. On any given stretch along the main avenues I find restaurants and shops in houses that used to be just that, houses. It all has an air of slow decay, except for spots where investment has led to modern structures, the emergence of international chains – Starbucks leading the charge – and a general feel of order and luxury that turn the whole into an oxymoron.

The pavement is as irregular as ever in some sectors. In others, it is broken at each intersection as several cities undergo modernization of their dated traffic lights with smart versions. There is now a bus line that runs along one of the central expressways. Construction is underway for a train that will connect the Southern part of Lima to downtown, with the hopes that it will ease congestion. Progress has its price, however, and Lima finds itself trapped in utter gridlock during rush hour, which will last from five to eight at night in a city that’s the size of a handkerchief. Everything is close. And it can take forever to get there.

Traffic also brings back something that I miss dearly, as it is a reflection of much of the Peruvian culture. I get past the initial shock, thanks largely to the horror I see reflected in my husband’s face (in all fairness to him, he’s sitting in the back with my mother at the wheel, watching how she and everybody else manage to advance through chaos, horns blaring, brakes squealing, seemingly unaware of the whole while in reality paying very close attention.) I find humor in the situation. I find comfort in what we call “criollismo”, which I can only explain by saying Peruvians take a lot of things in stride, with humor, and by and large like to find the cracks in the system whenever possible.

I also find comfort in the fact that, despite how horrendous traffic is, in the face of the worst driving I have ever seen, in complete opposition to the way we drive in the States, there is no road rage. Nobody gets mad, nobody displays aggressive behavior, and under the lawlessness of the road I find almost a code of ethics – it’s ok to cut off my neighbor, deny passage to the guy trying to get in my lane, get so close to the car in front of me I can almost hear the sound of our bumpers kissing, and I can lean on my horn when another car intrudes too far into my lane so close we can touch each other. It’s ok as long as none of us does it with malice.

We push as far as the car next to us will allow us to push if he had the lane first. We’ll share the lane if we have to. We’ll keep on moving at risk of staying stranded in no-man’s land if we stop. We won’t truly help each other, but we won’t drive attempting to harm anyone either. It’s interesting. And to be honest, it turned out to be quite fun. I’m sure that last part is only true because I don’t have to live with it for the long run. For the faint of heart, there’s always a taxi.

People feel safer now than when I left, and that’s probably true of me as well. The attacks perpetrated by Shining Path are a thing of the past. Muggings still exist, as do kidnappings (mostly of the “day” variety), so I keep an eye on my belongings and hold my children’s hands with a death grip. Vigilance is key, as Peruvian muggers prefer the smart robbery where they walk away with your wallet or your purse and you are none the wiser. Confrontation is not their style as general rule, so staying aware of our surroundings keeps us relatively safe. In fact, Jim and I avoid getting mugged in downtown Lima by keeping our eyes open, much to the disappointment of two men who’d judged us unaware tourists (and much to my relief, as I was concealing our Canon 5D Mark II under my scarf).

Safety comes at a price as well. My mother claims robberies are down, people don’t get assaulted, and Lima is safer than ever. At the same time, she has a super-duper alarm system, electric fence included, as does everyone else; the alarm codes are never shared with the maids, who might be in cahoots with somebody else; there are security guards all around the city; fences and security guards have sprung up in most residential communities, serving as deterrents to crime; and cars can be purchased with bulletproof steel and windows (yeah, there is demand for such thing). Safety is relative, and much of it could be considered an illusion. (Addendum: just found out one of my school friend’s husband had his car completely dismantled at a restaurant on the one night they didn’t have security… case in point!)

On the other hand, we can go anywhere without feeling like we’re being taken advantage of like we feel anytime we go to Mexico. Exchange rates for dollars are fairly consistent from the bank to the grocery store, from the tennis academy to the restaurants in town. And the service is absolutely and unquestionably without reproach. This is not a sign of servitude but of pride in what they do. It’s a sign of hospitality and good will.

We sit down for lunch at an outdoor restaurant next to Kennedy Park in Miraflores, and I realize they don’t have Picarones for dessert (most restaurants don’t, but my hopes are high). Our waitress offers to get them for me for dessert. Finding out I have a nineteen year-old craving, she goes out of her way, walks two blocks from our location, and brings me back three orders of Picarones from a local street vendor. We tip her handsomely, and her manager asks that we redo the charge slip, as she doesn’t trust that it was us who put down the amount on the bill (a sign of the general mistrust of the people in the people. I almost went in to tell her a thing or two, but judged it would cause more trouble than good).

Visiting Miraflores did me a world of good, and not just because of the Picarones. Miraflores has changed some and not at all. Businesses and restaurants have been replaced all along Larco Avenue, except for the Minerva Bookstore that has been in the same corner for longer than I’ve been alive; or Manolo’s restaurant, where they still serve some of the most amazing churros filled with custard, whipped cream or chocolate; and the shoe store where my parents bought me my first pair of loafers.

The City Hall where my grandmother used to work is still there, looking as good as ever, next to the church where my parents got married (same church where they probably should’ve been struck by lightning, but that’s another story). On the other hand, my grandma’s house (property of the city), is no longer there and has been replaced by the city’s cultural institute, fittingly enough if I may say so myself.

At the start of Larco used to be a park and an acoustic shell for outdoor concerts (a miniature version of the Hollywood bowl in my child’s memory recollection). It now is “Larcomar”, where one can find fine shops, numbers of excellent restaurants, and oddly enough for me, TGI Friday’s and Chili’s. A Marriott stands tall along the street there now.

We walk by the street where I was born, and my dad finds a relative of the doctor who brought me into this world. I remember the location of a club where I used to go when they had under-eighteen nights. Miraflores has changed, but it hasn’t. And the people certainly have stayed the same. I finally feel like I’ve come home.

We spent a week in Lima, never enough time to do all the things I wanted to do and show my husband the place where I came from. We managed to do a quick and dirty stop in downtown Lima, which is looking quite beautiful. There are nice restaurants now in a little passage perpendicular to the old central post office. The façades are painted and clean. The balconies are restored. The Cathedral is as beautiful as ever and the relics quite impressive. In an old convent (Santo Domingo Church) lies Santa Rosa de Lima, the first saint of the Americas. San Francisco Church boasts a tour of the old Jesuit monastery, the church and the catacombs, which connect with two other churches through underground tunnels. There is architecture, tradition and history here. We don’t have nearly enough time to do it justice.

One of the nights we went to Las Brisas del Titicaca, where we enjoyed a beautiful show of typical Peruvian dances, including my favorite, the Marinera Norteña. I manage to watch this through tears in my eyes that I am unable to contain, emotion swamping me, a mixture of pride and sadness taking control of my being. Jim gets a taste of our culture, appreciation in every moment we spend there.

We made it to Barranco one afternoon. We visit El Puente de los Suspiros (the bridge of sighs), the central plaza, and go looking for my mom’s childhood home. On the one day I leave the house without a map, I also manage to get completely lost in an area I used to know well enough, and miss the house. We have the girls in the car with us and travel into an area where I’m not positive I would want to get stranded at night. Long story short, I panic, Jim takes the wheel, and we have to ask a taxi to get us to a main road from which to get home. Jim enjoyed driving. A lot.

Lima looks a bit tired. Smog does a number in most areas and a layer of dirt covers the city. In others, dirt accompanies disrepair, and it makes me miss CC&Rs. Luckily for us, the usual grey cover that envelops the city dissipates long enough for the light to cast its glow and give us a better look at the old maid.

There is progress in many areas and in many respects. There is a sense of reward instead of hopelessness. I take comfort in knowing that my friends and family can work hard and build a life for themselves. Priorities are different here. People work not so much for the accumulation of wealth and property, but to sustain a comfortable life that allows them to enjoy their family and friends, that allows them to do the things that are important to them and that build memories. That allows them to have those things we all want but sometimes forget about in the rush of daily life, Blackberries and deadlines.

Perú is a land of contrasts. Perhaps the most striking one is the fact that we have a land rich in resources but no discipline or foresight to develop it. The government invests in infrastructure for the main cities but not on the people who can and will be the engine of progress.

And all in all, some of my greatest memories and a part of me will always be there.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

What I did this summer...

...here we go with a traditional way to end the summer, but not your traditional story.

This summer was, by all accounts, an unusual one. June Gloom moved well into July, for the most part depriving us of the sun and the heat we had anticipated, and save for those heat waves in the 90s and beyond, missed. Plans for the beach and pool were sacrificed for more practical activities that didn't involve voluntarily freezing our little patooties - seriously, who wants to freeze in summer? Mid-60s weather was bad enough.

In many ways, the summer resembled my life. There were sunny days, but the months were mostly permeated by gray skies, a lingering fog that didn't allow me to see the horizon, and cold days that didn't warm the spirit. The hope of sunshine and clear skies dwindled as the days and the weeks went by. By and large, one day turned into the next without much break from the familiar gloom of winter. Mostly as an automaton I walked along the same paths, day in and day out, without an end in sight.

Summer was a time of introspection, perhaps because there was no distraction to be had. I traveled far an wide exploring the realities of my life, the voids in my heart, and the depth of the black holes that had started to appear in my soul. It wasn't a fun trip. I kept asking "are we there yet?" but as usual, "no" seemed to be the eternal answer.

Summer was a time of forced exploration. I had lost my map and needed to find my way back to the person I used to be. I was in my mini-version of Hotel California, where you can come in any time you want, but you can never leave.

It was a time of prayer. I searched for answers that didn't seem to come. I prayed for purpose, for an indication of the road to take, for inspiration to find the new me if the old one was never again to be. It was a time of sporadic hope, when the sunlight seemed to be able to break through the fog and give us bright blue skies. It was a time when I forced myself to believe that I would be found - at some point, I would be found.

Answers come in many ways. Interestingly enough, we seldom acknowledge the non-answer as an alternative to our question, quest, exploration. The non-answer is a sign of our prayers falling on deaf ears, when in reality it's an answer itself. It's the "no, we are not there yet." Perhaps specificity in the question yields more non-answers than the prayers we send when we cast a wide net.

My answer - my answers - came. Many times in the way of a non-answer. Other times in the way of a resounding "no." And each step of the way I searched deeper for that place within me that told me the sunshine would come.

The sunshine did come. Toward the very end of the summer, when we had almost given up on finding the heat, seeing the blue of the skies, and the vibrancy of the earth in the hottest time.

What did I do this summer? I found my strength, renewed purpose, my Lara 2.0. I found myself.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Katarina, Katarina...

...what am I going to do with you?

Kati sat on the counter this morning as I rolled cake balls. She likes to just sit there and watch me, and in this case, to grab a little piece of dough when I'm "not looking" and quickly get it in her mouth with a grin that tells the story better than any words ever could. She loves red velvet, and these balls are delicious.

"Mommy, are you making cake eggs?"
"No, I'm making cake balls." I say, as I roll one ball at a time. "See? This is what an egg would look like..." I roll an egg for her to see.
"Oh... that looks just like an egg!"
"Huh..." I say, as an idea hits me. "We could make cake eggs for Easter!" I look at her and smile, feeling so smart. "That's a really good idea..."
"I know. I'm a genius."

And there you have it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Contemplando...

mi pasado... y me doy cuenta de que ya no escribo en castellano como solía hacer antes. Inglés ha reemplazado a mi idioma materno con una facilidad y totalidad asombrante. Observo también la fluidez con la que me expreso en mi nuevo idioma, la misma fluidez con la que pienso y en la que sueño. Y me da un poco de tristeza saber que mis raíces se pierden poco a poco con el tiempo y las circunstancias. El vocabulario que solía tener no es el mismo - tampoco lo es la facilidad de expresión.

A qué viene ésto? A que me di cuenta de que, por primera vez en 22 años, olvidé el cumpleaños de un amigo muy querido, en su época un gran amor. Y recordé los sueños de la adolescente que fui que de una forma u otra influyeron a la mujer que soy.

Por años agonicé con un amor no correspondido, aunque vivía en una relación platónica bella y muy profunda. La vida nos separó, aunque nuestra relación nunca fue más que una amistad de almas casi gemelas. Por años me siguió el recuerdo de lo que fue y las preguntas que nunca tuvieron respuesta - hasta recientemente, cuando en medio de una crisis (no relacionada) me di cuenta de que la respuesta siempre estuvo frente a mí.

Entonces me dediqué a limpiar mi alma de las dudas y las expectativas de la adolescente que ya no soy. Y decidí seguir el instinto de escribir y purgar mi alma con pensamientos tan antiguos como nuevos. Y mi historia se convirtió en la historia de una chica que pudo encontrar un final distinto mientras a la vez se encontraba a ella misma. Y con esas palabras y páginas de una historia que ya no era mía, salvo por las palabras creadas por mí, purgué lo que quedaba de una historia que nunca pudo tener fin.

Hoy me encuentro acá, escribiendo en mi idioma materno, libre de los sentimientos que ahora no son mas que un recuerdo. Un recuerdo lindo y puro de una época en mi vida que me enseñó mucho y que siempre tendrá un lugar especial en mi memoria, en mi corazón, y en mi alma. Un recuerdo de lo que ha de ser por siempre una de las épocas más lindas de mi vida. Es un amor que vive en el pasado, donde pertenece, y un recuerdo que se revive de vez en cuando en el presente, un recuerdo que me hace sonreir.

Si lees ésto, y tú sabes quién eres, gracias. Gracias por tu amistad, por tu honestidad, por el cuidado que tuviste conmigo, y por los recuerdos.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Bedtime... or not

Those of us with kids know the importance of routines, and in particular, the importance of the bedtime routine. Especially when our little angels find ways to stay up later than they should. After baths and dinners and reading, it's time for bed. No excuses, no ifs, buts or whens. And so it goes. We say goodnight, we kiss, we hug. We walk away ready to take a moment for ourselves - sometimes.

There I was, a rare moment in my favorite Papasan chair, catching up with my shows, when out of the corner of my eye I saw Katarina, blankets (yes, plural) in hand, thumb in mouth (when is that going to stop?) I looked at her and she walked in the room. She's so big now... my little girl is growing so fast. The chunky cheeks remain, and in a moment of softness I open my arms and let her join me for a minute on the chair. And so it goes...

Me: Nina, it's time to go to bed. You gotta go back.
Kat shakes her head in disagreement.
Me: Nina, do you want me to take you?
Kat: You have chunky cheeks... (pinches my cheeks) kissy (gives me a sloppy kiss)
Me: Nina, it's time for bed now.
Kat: I can't sleep.
Me: It's ok. You can lay in bed and not sleep. I'll tell daddy to come and kiss you when he's back.
Kat: But then I'll fall asleep.
Me: I thought you couldn't sleep...
(silence)
Kat: But there's still a lot to talk about.
Me: (laughing out loud) What do you want to talk about?
Kat: The United States of America.

Kat: 1 Mommy: 0

Monday, May 3, 2010

Katarina Tree-Hugger

We went out to dinner last Friday. The girls got out of the car, and before I knew it, Katarina's attention was on a used and discarded paper coffee cup. Someone had carelessly thrown it on top of the bushes - which really, really gets to me. People!! Don't litter!!

Anyway... Katarina grabbed the cup, which had all my motherly instincts going "No! Cooties!!" She looked at me and said:

"Oh, oh... someone is not saving the Earth!"

My tree-hugger heart was putty in her hands...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Top reasons why you should love life...

So, we're all in this cycle: the economy sucks, the Dow Jones is now the Down Jones (although I hear it's up lately), jobs are less safe than before, some of us are getting pay cuts, the swine flu looms in the horizon, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Life can be hard, brutal, unexpected in its cruelty. But then, life is, at all times, just beautiful, if you know where to look. So here's my partial list of why I love life, despite all the downs, the uncertainty, the lack of a crystal ball, and the plain hardship that it can present.

1. Light. When I wake up in the morning, I can see the hue of dawn cast on the sky through my windows. My heart just stops at the sight of it, and then I remember to breathe. And then I wish I could capture not just the color, but the feeling of a new day.
2. Spring - need more reason than the purity of rebirth? Colors are intense in their green, flowers start to pop in unexpected places - like the center of the 241 toll road on my way to work. It's purple, lush and full of life, and a constant reminder of the consistency of nature in the inconsistency of life.
3. Rain. I love the rain almost as much as I love Spring. It washes it all, and as I inhale, I can smell the richness of the earth. Colors intensify under it, even as the gray mantle of the sky takes over in the horizon.
4. My heart. When it rejoices, there's no bounds. When it breaks, there's no bottom. And through it all, I'm just grateful that I can feel.
5. Sound - of birds outside my window in this neighborhood of houses and streets and traffic. Birds still nest in my trees and chirp their eager, happy song every morning. They remind me that there's more than meets the eye when I can be sure of their presence just by the sound of their song.
6. Friendship. It takes you up, it takes you down, and it just gets you through it all. I don't think I have an abundance of true friends, but those true friendships I do have are more than any one person could ask for. Each is a treasure, and each gives me a reason to have hope that, no matter what the future holds, life is worth experiencing and sharing with others.
7. Laughter. That of my children, which is a mixture of baby gurgles and little girl giggles. There is no sweeter sound. The laughter that my husband can bring me on any given day, because he can be a funny guy. Laughter shared among friends, because it takes away everything else. There are no worries where laughter lives.
8. Love - yeah... the sappy kind that makes you almost blind to everything else, fills your heart to the brink, and makes you vulnerable beyond your comfort level.
9. Adversity. Life isn't perfect, and happiness is never complete. There are only perfect moments, and in the balance we can only hope that those moments are greater than the non-perfect ones. Still, adversity largely makes us who we are, and gives us the contrast we need to appreciate what we do have. And who would have thought that, in those moments when we have to prioritize, the things we hold most dear are the simple joys and the truest gifts?
10. Art. Be it music, dance, paint... you name your type, and you'll understand why.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Filing dos and don'ts...

For those of you who ever wonder, those of you who never were exposed to the complicated world of filing, those of you who have never come across a filing cabinet or a filing system, and those of you who, like me, find yourselves in the midst of a filing disaster that threatens to intrude in your thoughts when you wake up at 3 a.m. for until the disaster is under control. Please note, this is just a guide. Your can create your own system. And, as you'll see, just having everything in alpha order is not enough.

DO file things by functional area (advisory board, events, programs, reports, whatever).
DO order your functional areas in alpha order.
DO file things in alpha order within each area.
DO group separate larger areas to compartmentalize (administrative v. programs v. personal)

DON'T just create a jumbled mess by putting everything under the moon in alpha order. And here's the why of this blog. The following list is a random, very small sample of files found under alphabetical order in a drawer that shall not be disclosed. Individual and company names have been changed to protect the unsuspecting victims. Asterisks denote actual file names (not making it up).

C -
Carnegie Mellon
Cornwell, Sam
Credit Reports
...
F -
Fantastic Sam's
Foundstone
Financial Investment Ideas
Fitzgerald, Ella
Fortune 500
Fun Stuff *
...
G -
Gandolfini, John
General Electric
Good Ideas *
Green, James
Green Peace

Also found was a file for Jokes, two files for the same program under different letters, and several duplicate files for companies for which files already exist - which, by the way, were just sitting in the same office.

Eek!!!