In her words (yeah, there's more)

Katarina is going through the horrible threes - there's the terrible twos, but the threes complete overshadow them, imho.

She is now also completely articulate, uncannily clever, and entirely too quick for our own good. And, alas, not a baby anymore!

Here's one of our recent conversations right as I was working unsuccessfully to tuck her in for the night.


Katarina - Mommy, I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have babies, and I don't want to have a boyfriend.

Me - (thinking, that's totally fine by me, especially since you're three) Why not, baby?

Katarina - Because they're yucky...

Larissa - No, they're not!

Me - (thinking, oh boy, not this soon...)

I believe in Santa...

This season has been unusual for me - somehow going on a cruise during Thanksgiving threw things off. The "official" kickoff of the holiday season was spent on a ship somewhere off the coast of Mexico, eating anything BUT turkey (that's a good thing...) Coming back was a rush of things to do, laundry to wash, school projects to complete, and work to be done.

Now it's Christmas Eve, and I'm trying to figure out how it all passed me by. The most wonderful time of the year, other than my birthday, hasn't quite measured up... and maybe it's been up to me to just let it in. Just soak it in - the lights, the welcomed chill of winter in this usually warm state, the rain that cleanses all and, beyond the gray, makes things brighter and more intense.

I found myself wrapping presents in the rush that is the days leading up to Christmas, and planning a menu, and wondering what Mass we'd attend, and what the girls would wear, and whether or not we'd be able to drive to the mountains on the 25th as planned with the forecast calling for snow showers. And somewhere through it all came the voice of my scroogey brother - "You lie to your children! The whole idea of Santa Claus is a lie!" He's a Grinch!

And through it all, I found Santa once again. Beyond the reason for the season and the celebration of the birth of Christ, despite having missed most of the Advent Masses, the spirit is back!

Yes, I believe in Santa Claus. I track him down through NORAD with my girls, so they too may believe, although in a different way, through children's eyes. I believe in Santa, not because he'll bring me presents, not because I'll tell the story to my girls, not because of the songs we'll sing through the season. I believe in Santa because of what he represents, at least to me. In this season of commercial insanity, Santa still represents the season of hope, the possibility of magic, and the ability of wishes to come true.

I believe in Santa because I believe in hope.

A couple of thoughts...

I have spent the last few days in the beautiful city of San Francisco at the annual CASE District VII conference. Too bad that most of the time was spent in the hotel, because I do love San Francisco. But let's get to the point of this blog.

These past couple of days I have gotten to know people I work with, to whom I am grateful for the things they've shared with me. One shared the struggle of starting a family after all treatments are done and adoption is the only option. The other the struggle of life and seeing her partner of many years lose her vision a little at a time, with no option for slowing the process.

I am grateful for the trust, but also grateful for the realizations that came from that. Realizations we all have somewhere in our hearts, but that became even more clear:

1. We all are meant to have a miracle in our lives, even though that
   miracle may not come in the form we always dreamed of or expected.
2. Sometimes, it's ok to be reckless and a bit irresponsible (within reason!), if that means giving those you love the memories of a lifetime to carry them through the darkness of the years to come.

That's it. Nothing too profound I suppose, but some thoughts that have occupied my mind today.

When hearts are breaking

I often wonder why bad things happen to good people... I suppose bad things happen to bad people too, but perhaps their hearts are so hard they don't get beaten to the ground by it. 

When your friends and loved ones are down and hurting, and you know the pain is almost unbearable, what do you say? What do you do? How do you help? I sit here wishing for a magic wand that would take away the tears, while knowing that the tears need to flow for true healing to begin. 

I have spent the last several years away from people who have known me forever - these are the people who hold the pieces of who I was before I came here to become who I am today. And I have wished so many times to be there for the happy times - the weddings, the births, the celebrations. Today I sit here wishing I could be there most of all for the sad times to lend a shoulder, to hold a friend in need. 

Life's lessons come wrapped in tears and pain. And yet, we have faith in the future. I guess one of the biggest lessons we learn is that this too shall pass, and down the road we will remember the tears, but we will have grown from the experience and found our way again. 

When the day is dark and the road ahead of us seems to stop, there is still tomorrow. And day by day, we learn to go through life until we find the motivation to live again. 

To my friends - I am with you even though I am here. I have faith in life, and I have faith in you. 

Today is the day...

I'm sitting here typing instead of making the bed, putting the dishes away, and figuring out what to do with (or to) my hair... the significance of the moment requires that I type, even if eloquence might elude me this early.

Today is the day... the day Lindsay Renee Rebholz was born, after much expectation, to two beautiful people - my dearest friends Bob and Janice. He is a quick-witted guy who loves to debate and argue, so we get along famously. She is the purest soul I've ever known, and destined to be a wonderful mother.

But more significant yet, today is the day... the day when America will change yet again. Today will be defined by historic moments - just as this year's presidential campaign has been defined by historic milestones between Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Sarah Palin (love her or hate her, she is still defining a moment).

Today is the day when we either will elect the first black President (sorry, I don't go with the PC crap and definitions...), or the first woman vice-president (and yeah, she'd be elected by running on the ticket, not by her own effectiveness as a VP candidate).

Today is the day... the day when Californians might amend their constitution to redefine marriage and inadvertently cast a vote to make a fundamental distinction among citizens, effectively creating two tiers - first and second class.

Today is the day that will mark a shift in America's perceptions, prejudices, and hopefully, just hopefully, bring another significant wave of change to a country founded by people who wanted change, equality and liberty for all.