Paying Attention to the Landscape

So, I'm now driving down this road with no real control on the direction or the wheel, just a clear understanding of the destination and every ounce of my being focused on that. By the way, tangent, as most of you know, I'm fairly self-sufficient and a problem solver... except when I get lost. Then I panic, hysteria can easily take over, my brain shuts down, I start to shake and sweat. It's not a comfortable place to be at all. 

Back to my point (I hope there is one). I'm on this road, no map, no GPS, learning to be uncomfortable, refusing to panic, and working on trusting completely in God's love and direction, because after all, the will of God will not take you to where the will of God will not protect you.

The road is unknown, and I've already experienced both a smooth patch of pavement and a couple of minor bumps. 

The smooth patch: cytogenetics are coming back little by little and my leukemia is negative for a mutation that would have made this fight harder. Yay!! Good news!!

The bumps on the road: I developed DVT (deep vein thrombosis) along the PICC line, so they had to take that out. My right arm hurts, my left arm now has two IV lines going to deliver what I need, my nurses are finding creative ways to take my blood pressure (legs), and blood is being drawn from my hands. I'm a hot mess, my hair needs washing, and to add to it, I've started to feel queazy. I had a few hours of wanting to 'be brave', then I said, why??? Drugs are my friends.

And here's the thing: we can focus on the road and the bumps, or we can also take in the landscape. Funny story and second tangent: we used to drive down the toll road and every spring the center of it will fill with the most beautiful, full array of zinias and lupine - an absolutely breathtaking display of the beauty of nature. I looked forward to it. I mentioned it to Jim one day, and he asked "what flowers?" Stop and smell the roses...

Don't get me wrong, I'm watching the road ahead because there will be bumps, and I don't know what those look like yet. I know this journey will get way worse before it gets better, the road will twist and turn, there will be dark spots, there will be hills that might seem too steep, things I'm not prepared for. And along the way, there will be flowers, and sunshine and beauty too. 

And speaking of the landscape, yesterday as I hit this bump on the road and let it overwhelm me, I was showered with love just at the perfect moment. I'm now surrounded by posters of family pictures, a Wonder Woman banner reminding me that I've got this, I have a Wonder Woman gown, books of encouragement, dry shampoo (trust me, it's necessary), a box of chocolates, chocolate pastries (yesssss!!!!!), cards, all sorts of helpful things and a reminder that I'm not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this - y'all know who you are.

Am I scared? At times, yes. But I won't let that take over, this is not the center of my life, and this bitch ain't taking me down. 

Stop and smell the roses, because the journey might be bumpy, but life is still beautiful.