The Hummingbird

I've neglected posting because I'm chewing on the concept of suffering (redemptive suffering to be more specific). What does that have to do with Hummingbirds? Absolutely nothing. However, another thought occurred to me while walking on campus the other day.

As I walked back to my office enjoying the morning sun and mild temperature, the feel of Fall, I found myself looking at a beautiful hummingbird a couple of feet away from me. I avoided getting too close; it avoided staying too close to me.

I saw the flutter of wings - the blur, really, since that's all you get to see while a hummingbird furiously flaps its wings to stay in one spot. It was focused on the flower at hand, its body completely still and belying the ongoing activity and motion required to keep it in place. It was beautiful, a busy little thing focused on what it needed to survive.

And then it hit me - that busy flap of wings, the blur of motion a stark contrast to the stillness of the body. The wings became a metaphor for life around us. The stillness of that little body became the metaphor for internal peace, so that we can keep focused on that which we need to survive.

We're so busy running from point A to point B on the way to Z, which needs to be done within the confines and the blur of each day, bombarded by emails, addicted to social media and our phones, stuck in traffic, juggling family, work, pets, laundry... do we have the ability to find that stillness in the midst of the chaos that often seems to overrun our lives?

How do we find that stillness? How do we strive to achieve that internal peace?

For me, it's daily work, hard work. Some days are better than others, but on those days when I fail, I look for the next day as a chance to try again. For me, it all rests in keeping God at the center of my life, because if I can do that, I can remember what He wants from me and hopefully discern what He wants for me. I can remember that I'm called to love and serve, ordering all my activities, thoughts and desires toward those goals.

And if we are focused on loving and serving, we are more likely to give others the benefit of the doubt, get less angry at their behaviors, seek to understand, seek to help, seek to be a light in a world that's shrouded in such darkness. It brings meaning to our lives, peace of mind, and joy.

How do you find that stillness?

(Photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/people/ksblack99/)

The Question of the Day

One of my coworkers has started this thing at the office. Three of us share a common space in a different building than the rest of our unit, so we have found ways to gel and make our days interesting. Her way is the "question of the day".

The question can be as fun as whether the toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom - which not surprisingly elicited rather strong opinions and provided long stretches of entertainment. It also can be searching and hard to answer, so we receive the question each day with a bit of anticipation and a bit of weariness. Have we had enough coffee to answer whatever comes our way?

Tuesday's question was "what is the universe telling you to do?"

Well, the universe isn't necessarily telling me to do anything. For me, that guiding hand is the hand of God and what He wills for my life. More and more I have come to understand that this is a partnership, and that discerning the will of God for me leads me, as the Psalm says, to green pastures.

And lately, He's been telling me to forgive and reminding me to stay away from the cycle of negativity that so easily can engulf us when we find ourselves in environments that squeeze, in situations we can't control, in stretches of life we see as unfair.

I don't know which one is hardest - forgiveness, or staying away from the cycle of negativity. In a way, these two can be tied together, making it harder to sort through each.

Forgiveness is easier said than done. Especially when we feel justified - we know what was done to us was wrong, we deserve an apology, some sort of acknowledgement, and the person on the other side should face the consequences of their actions. Life is never that cut and dry, however. Is it?

So we hold on to our hurt and our grudge, "put it aside", "move on", "get over it." And eventually time takes care of it. Or does it?

I have found myself still angry at people after years have gone by, unable to even think of them without getting that feeling of hurt and betrayal. So, how did time's healing hand work for me? How did I move on? How did I get over it? I didn't.

And then forgiveness as a path started to enter the equation more and more prominently. God often whispers and speaks to us in the silence. And sometimes, He smacks us over the head. I got both. I got the whisper, and once I was ready to listen, I got the smack. And I got some pretty amazing insight sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament in adoration one night.

I saw myself unable, though by now willing, to forgive. Unsure if I could, I prayed for the desire to forgive and eventually for the ability to do so. The reading during compline was from one of the letters of St. Paul and dealt with anger and forgiveness (see? I got smacked!) A letter St. Paul wrote while in captivity. A letter he wrote talking of love of neighbor, as he loved and forgave those who would martyr him.

It's sometimes difficult to think of forgiveness and love of neighbor as Christ loved, because, well, being Christ, He was not just human but also divine. St. Paul wasn't. He was a sinner. He had persecuted Christians and taken them to their deaths. He also had a powerful conversion, and from that point on turned his life around. St. Paul was like you and me: 100% human, flawed, broken.

And yet, St. Paul could forgive and love in the face of the most astonishing and cruel circumstances. It wasn't his job to judge those who inflicted pain on him. It wasn't up to him to dole out consequences or dictate what would become of his enemies.

He knew, unmistakably, that he was here to love and to serve, without judgement. And love implies forgiveness. And serving implies humility - and when it comes to forgiveness, that humility includes accepting that it is not for us to decide what the consequence or just punishment is for others when they wrong us.

And in that moment of insight, I felt the weight of those years of holding hurt and grudges lift off my shoulders. I felt peace. And I felt surrounded by the love of God, who guided me to this place of light.

So, what's the universe telling YOU to do?

Friendship: then, now and forever?

As with everything else, friendship has its own cycles. There's a saying that states: "some friends come into your life for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime." We've all lived this, we've all fallen into each of these categories, and it makes sense. 

I've been reflecting on this recently, somewhat out of necessity. I've also been thinking of Fr. James Martin's thoughts on friendship - basically, that to truly love our friends means to love them with all their faults and virtues, without expecting a behavior that is not natural to them in order to feel like our friendship is mutual. 

And that is the point - there should never be an expectation for reciprocity in true friendship. 

I, for example, am horrible about sending cards and acknowledging special occasions. Facebook reminds me of your birthday, if we are connected that way, and thank goodness for that. I have a friend for whom cards mean the world. If I forget to send her one, it is not because I love her any less. She is, in fact, very dear to me, and I'd bend over backwards to be there for her in times of need. 

It is one of the most difficult things to love our friends this way, because we all end up doing things that unintentionally may signal a lack of caring to the people in our lives. And when those signals are aimed at us, it's even harder to accept that we all have separate lives, varying priorities, and times of momentary lapses.

And let's face it, there should never be a sense of obligation either.

Yes, true friendship compels us to reach out, to stay in touch, to be there for good and bad, to want to spend time together. It also is true that we are more likely to do those things with the people geographically or circumstantially closer to us, forgetting that Facebook "connection" might keep us informed but not necessarily together. 

So, to my friends, know that I appreciate you, that I love you even when my actions or yours are not nearly close to perfect or congruent with that statement, and that I welcome any opportunity to connect and go deeper than likes and photo sharing. 

To my friends, I pledge to do my best to love you unconditionally, without expectation for reciprocity, and never wanting even the shadow of obligation to tarnish our relationship.