About the Hair...

Yeah, about the hair. I feel compelled to say something after posting a picture of me with my bald head (though actually there is hair coming back in, but you can't really see it). 

I know that hair for the great majority of women is tied very closely to their identity. How could it not? It frames our faces, defines our looks, and in many cases it's a source of pride and certainly a source of vanity. In spite of most of us having love-hate relationships with our hair, it is so tightly tied to how we look that it becomes part of who we are. 

For many years now my hair has been a source of experimentation. While most women tend to change their hair at tipping points in their lives, for years now I've been changing mine every couple of months to avoid getting bored. Short, bob, mid-length, and even long when I can muster the patience for it. Then pixie it is with one swift salon appointment, and back we go again to play with it. I don't think I have been attached to my hair since my teenage years. 

I knew chemo would take it, though I expected it to happen later in the treatment. Instead, mine started to fall the week after my first round. I've always been told I have a lot of hair, and I didn't really believe that to be true until it started to fall. Copious amounts were left in the shower and on the comb, and I still had a head full of hair. I resolved to get it cut short as soon as I left the hospital. As many of you know by now, that hospital stay was extended beyond anything I could've imagined, and at some point during that stay a nurse helped me cut the whole thing off.

I'm completely at ease with my bald head - probably because it turns out my head is fairly round and symmetrical. I posted a photo of me bald without expecting the overwhelming response and encouragement that followed - and I must confess I don't feel like I deserve much of it. After all, it wasn't so much proof of bravery as it was just an update. A "this is what I look like right now" kind of statement. Still, I am grateful for the support and the encouragement, and all the compliments - if a girl has to fish for it, I guess a bald head is a good lure! 

I don't post this to minimize the struggle of those for whom hair loss is another kick in the gut. After all, I've had other ways in which I've felt that kick, that loss, and that struggle. 

My struggle has been the loss of muscle tone and physical strength. I went in strong, swimming three times a week, dancing, walking, jogging, lifting weights. I came home with a walker, unable to lift anything heavier than my phone, and most certainly unable to keep up with exercise. And as I type this, I don't know when I'll dance again. 

Hair grows back, that's the good news - and I'll be a silver fox. And physical strength? I can get that back too, though it will take some time. I am putting in the effort - hey, I can now do bicep curls with 5 lb dumbells instead of 2 lb ones, walk a mile in 18 min and walk up the stairs! When will I dance again? That, I don't know. And for me, that's a real kick in the gut, but I assure you I will.

So friends, thank you for the encouragement and all the beautiful words. I will post a picture of the new hair when it comes. And when I dance again, you will most certainly know.